I’m not so great with the blogging/message board thing. I always forget to actually post, and i always get side-tracked. It wasn’t until i was looking at my “Invisible Man” book with angst thinking to myself that i have to write ANOTHER paper this week that my train of thought led me here.
I swear i feel exactly like John Self sometimes. For example, this forgetful blogging habit of mine. I’m not sure if its my fault or if it the new psycho meds i was put on. It’s a little sick how i identify with Self. Not on the terms of drinking and all, but the whole all over the place attitude. I’m not ashamed to mention that i am using my resources here at Temple, and see a therapist on campus…which perhaps Self should have done, but the fact that i first opened “money” hours before a therapy session and saw the subtitle, “A Suicide Note” intrigued me. In fact my therapist and i got into a lengthy discussion about this book. On page 9, in particular Self says, “You know, I wouldn’t have done this a month ago. I wouldn’t have done it then. Then i was avoiding. Now I’m just waiting. Things happen to me. They do. They just have to go ahead and happen. You watch –you wait…”. Now, this rather lethargic attitude made me question a lot about myself. It was funny how my therapist and i were just talking about this one passage and how my life related so much to it. It’s almost as if, John Self was a part of mySelf. That maybe it was me who should have written this story. Then i thought to myself the brilliance of Amis to name the character John Self. Think about it, anyone who is un-identified or has no ID upon death is names John Doe. I would love to know if John Self was really John Doe in a earlier version of this novel. Then to identify with his readers Amis had that little light bulb pop up over his head and was like, “How about i add myself into this…oh i know John SELF”. Eureka, a character was born. Or in my case, I was put into this novel, as if to read my own “Suicide Note”.
I’m dramatic. It’s an art i’ve perfected. If you look at the little blurb before the first page where he describes the subtitle, you can see a little of me in there, right there in the word exist. Because unlike John Self, I do exist in real life, and ironically i am reading a little about myself, and learning exactly what i look like from the inside.
